Birth: Welcome to girly memoirs*: Inspired by a dear friend of mine who has taken to writing her emails this way, I thought it was a fabulous method for some short, sharp, and fun postings. Maybe even some moving, spiritual and thoughtful ones too? Who knows - but for someone like me, whose mind cannot seem to settle on any one topic long enough for me to make a remotely insightful or eloquent posting - it was the perfect solution to make sure I at least post something!
Shivering: partly with excitement (I always get a rush when I feel inspired by a project or idea) and partly because I am bloody freezing! Too lazy to walk upstairs and turn the heating on because I always forget to turn it off! Seriously, and then it pumps all day - and I feel terribly unenvironmental - and that sets me off down a track of guilt about how little I actually *do* about the state of our planet, and how I should be more disciplined and put my fabulous mind plans into earth action... Honestly. In my head I'm bloody Sheherazade Goldsmith! Yes, gotta stop thinking and start being the Green Goddess.
Venus: more Willendorf than Goddess at the moment. I am obsessively addicted to cantuccinis. Scarily so. They are SO moreish! And surprisingly low in calories (supposedly only 130 per serving, and each serving is about 4 pieces) which doesn't really make any difference when I'm eating at least 2 servings a night - those calories are going to have to embed themselves somewhere on the body! Worst yet I've stopped swimming recently. The pool has closed for 'essential maintenance'... although er yes, I could go to the gym...
Mother: I was impatient with her again today. It worries me sometimes when I don't feel the compassion I feel I should. I want to be the daughter I see her desperately yearning for me to be. She deserves it. She was the best mother she knew how to be. Still, it blows my mind to think I used to call my her my best friend, I can't imagine ever having that connection because I feel so distant from her these days... But I know we did. And it makes me sad when my mother grasps at these memories, hoping they will reignite the spark that was once our relationship. I want it too, but we are so different now, I don't know how we will ever bridge that gap. I don't know how to share myself with her because she wants to recapture a time that has gone as opposed to create a future that is now. She doesn't wish to speak about growth or change. About future or possibilities. She's not even that interested in the present! She just seems to focus on the past or on all that is negative in life. She lives in such a lonely world but it seems your only options are either join her or leave her. And that makes me mad. But then I try to remember that she has been through a lot, she has lost a lot and after the events of the last few years concepts and words like future or hope must seem like remote ideals to her. So each day I keep renewing the possibility that today is the day she will wake up feeling hopeful... or maybe just that I will be more patient.
Tribe: One of the things I've really missed and been craving for the last five years is friendship. Proper deep open loving honest fluffy magical profound and gorgeous girlfriends. I was hurt and betrayed badly a few years ago and unwittingly barricaded myself in the easy comfort and security of my husbands arms. But since reading about the power of friendship in some of these blogs it's made me realise how much I am missing. I think part of the reason I started blogging at all was to make this tribal call. (And I'm lucky that one of the first people to answer it is someone so gently nourishing). I am so ready to fully embrace the wonderful female friends I have in my life and I am excited about sharing our life journeys ahead.
